so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
