i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And then my night got REAL pukey
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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