peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
