He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
