My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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