I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
