why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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