Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
