He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
