I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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