mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
