i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
