can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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