a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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