Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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