I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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