I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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