The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
