haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You ate ashes out of my bong
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