There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
