Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
