At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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