I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
