brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
My life is pants optional.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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