i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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