My Higher Power is John Stamos
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
