I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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