I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How external is "for external use only"?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
