I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
