When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
