p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
