So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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