Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
