and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
