She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
