Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
did i walk over a car last night?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We just shotgunned beers for America
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
