He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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