my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
