But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
