Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
