and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
