well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
