3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
