You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
