Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
