I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
