can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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