I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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