thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
