Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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